Porn Reflections from a Junior Porn Smear.

Reflections: What is next?

 

Happy pornniversary to me. I am entering my third year in porn and, oh gosh. I don’t even know where to start.

I don’t want to sound bitter. I know some people distrust me because they think I’ve only stuck around just to write some exposé on the world of mainstream pornography. It’s hard enough for me to write this. I do not want to write about porn; it balances on being depressing and boring to me. This will almost certainly be the last thing I have to say (in depth) about the industry.

I was just too much from 6 June, 2016 to 6 June, 2017. I got sucked into Activist porn, because it is impossible for me to do anything in life without getting involved in the politics of it. Hooray for me. I somehow became the secretary of the Adult Performer Advocacy Committee. The summer of 2016 found me spending far too much money travelling around the state, fighting one of Michael Weinstein’s horrific nightmare propositions, Prop 60. The adult film industry came together against the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and won and it was such a powerful moment when the numbers came in that I felt we could do anything. I admit I didn’t believe it would happen, as hard as we fought. But we won and I thought it meant something.

It didn’t mean a goddamn thing.

The shadow of Prop 60 passed over us and all of that solidarity, the platform that we created for ourselves that could have done so much- not just for the adult film industry, but for sex workers around the United States!- dissolved.

You want it the way it oughtta be, and it keeps staying the way it is. 

A hard and obvious lesson from the last year is that you cannot help people who do not want to be helped. Sometimes people think they want help, but they only want someone to vent to. Sometimes even they don’t know the difference. People will resent you for trying to help them. People will resent you if they think you are refusing to help them. I experienced activist burnout as never before. I crashed in the waves of the success in opposing Prop 60 and the excitement of Cal-OSHA meetings and landed on the shores of reality.

I was grossly disrespected by a young female performer for trying to get performers to respect each other and work together. I tried to initiate APAC subcommittees and watched, distraught, as my subcommittee remained stagnant. I’m fairly certain I’ve developed a reputation as that joiner that tries too hard to get everyone involved. I had so many goals and ideas and desires when I joined the APAC board and now my time as secretary is near its end and I have done nothing.

I’ve never experienced heartbreak the way I have with APAC. The more involved I got in the politics of the industry, the more my inner child died. I had so much hope, faith, love, and energy when I started porn. This last year, I gave so much of myself to this industry, to the people in this industry, to the STRUCTURE of this industry. I have nothing to show for it.

Enough about that.

I shot with very few companies in 2016. In October, I did get an opportunity to shoot my first anal scene with Evil Angel and I enjoyed myself very much. I thought it was the beginning of many wonderful anal scenes. My asshole is truly a treasure. Practically immediately after, I shot with Perv City. After that? Crickets.

By the time the 2017 AVN Awards occurred, I became consumed with building a brand to use pornography to accelerate other aspects of my life. I started revisiting all of the languages familiar to me in my youth. I sent out more of my writing to publishers and literary agents. If you’re in porn, you know what this means. But I didn’t know what it meant, yet.

In February, everything changed and I want to take a moment here to express my immortal gratitude to Madeline Marlowe. I had a fantasy for ages and she brought it to life p e r f e c t l y. She gave me everything I asked for and more. I still remember her saying she’d be my gangbang fairy godmother and that is 100% truth.

My Mary Magdalene gangbang for Kink is still the greatest thing I’ve ever done and will be the greatest thing I’ll ever do until I get my pankration blood orgy. It was the best day of my life. I’ve never been so happy.

I took on five guys and I did it all. Double penetration, double anal penetration, vaginal fisting, vaginal creampie, and I was fucking baptised in a barrel. I thought, again, WOW THIS IS IT. I was so certain it would be the scene that made people notice me. And all anyone wanted to do was bitch about how blasphemous it is. At first, the stupid hypocrisy of people pretending to care about religion on a hardcore porn website was hilarious. But I am too hungry for recognition and praise to see people not only accredit MY fantasy to Kink, but not even acknowledge me! I honestly hope you all drown in a deep puddle of cold piss.

I remember seeing this when Showtime cut Ana Foxxx’s speech:
Screenshot_2017-06-05-20-23-12-1

And I thought, “What the fuck do you expect from us?” I am learning eight languages. I write astounding smut. I took two dicks in my ass for the first time with such ease and finesse that the director didn’t even notice, so I did it AGAIN. I create my own beautiful porn. I have dreams and desires and goals that are constantly evolving just so I don’t get discouraged by how many doors are slammed in my face. WHAT DO YOU WANT.

I shot my gangbang in February and I didn’t get another scene until May. Between February and May, I panicked that my gangbang would be the last shoot I’d ever get, for several reasons. It wasn’t! You have another Chocolate Cheerleader Camp to see me in and I was Sexually Broken and I am shooting Hard Tied tomorrow. I don’t want anyone to think I’m quitting porn.

I AM NOT QUITTING PORN!

I will continue to shoot for my Patreon– and with companies, for as long as I can get the work. But I’m not going to continue with the delusion that I can build a career out of this. In the meantime, to financially support this very expensive jobby (job/hobby), I am going to go back to school. This is not a world for artists, but no one can say I don’t try.

And if you’re really down about this whole post, please don’t be. I am actually doing very well and I feel incredibly optimistic about my future. Porn isn’t everything.

7 thoughts on “Porn Reflections from a Junior Porn Smear.

  1. Love the update on the life of a porn smear;) Never heard that term, but I love it. I imagine it had to be considerable “ease and finesse” for it to go unnoticed! Lol. You lead a crazy life. I look forward to more updates.

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  2. Saw both the anal and the gangbang.Holyyyy…amaizing.I thought exotic4k,Hardx,tushy etc.. will be at your door the next morning.ON THEIR KNEES. And now I am reading this.??Why are All the Black ,exotic, mixed girls I love, being treated like this.Have you tried buzzing them?Man I hate this.Luv U.Please Keep trying.. for us fans.

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    1. I’m entering my third year of porn being the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had. I can’t keep doing this, haha.
      Greg Lansky is never going to shoot me because I don’t fit whatever “artistic” ideal is in his mind. And it isn’t as though companies are doing anything truly innovative or willing to take any serious risks- and, even if they were, I’m sick of begging for work. Everything I’ve done for this industry and the few shoots I’ve gotten- all of my work should speak for itself and it /*doesn’t*/ and THAT means something to me- and it should mean something to everyone who’s followed my porn journey to its “inevitable end.” I truly love porn and I wish it didn’t have to be this way. But, dammit, I am exhausted from trying. How much love and energy should I pour into something that gives me nothing in return?

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  3. Yo you replied! I don’t know much about the industry and to be honest, tushy got boring very fast (for me) but I thought your body type would suit lansky. and legalporno likes balck girls. worth giving it a try.Wish you all the best in what ever you decide to do. Just would like to see more girls with your skin color(mine too) in porn.

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